How to Treat a House Guest

It seems that I am nothing but a backwoods, unsophisticated hillbilly. This may come as no great surprise to those who know me, but I was unaware of it until my brother and his family came to visit last month.

You see, my brother resides in the great cultural bastion of Boston, Massachusetts. That’s right, Boston, home of the triple digit tax structure and the multi-billion dollar tunnel system that crushes unsuspecting motorists on a weekly basis.

During his visit, I was enlightened to the following shortcomings of my backward, yokel lifestyle:
My toilet paper is too rough- They prefer that new fangled quilted two-ply brand
My “homemade” pancakes are thin and flavorless- Whole Wheat flour, a pinch of brown sugar, and pre-whipped organic egg whites are preferred
I do not stock each and every room in my home with a fresh box of facial tissues- Poor guy was forced to blow his regal schnoz with the same one-ply that isn’t even fit for his also regal tush.
Our coffee is much too strong and you can’t buy light cream in this God-forsaken burg- 2% milk and half-n-half are for peasants.

Now that I’ve learned the proper way to treat house guests, I’ll do much better when he’s invited back (sometime in the year 2032), I thought I’d pass on some tips for dealing with your more discriminating house guests.

Have a Schedule - Take some time to put together an itinerary that fits the desires and capabilities of your guests. For instance; if outdoor trips to the Grand Canyon, Camelback Mountain, or any of our other natural treasures are in order, make sure your guests bring the proper footwear and other items of clothing. The red clay of Sedona is murder on Nordstrom’s Spring Collection.

Got Pate’?- Get an idea of your guests likes and dislikes before they arrive, and either stock up or plan a trip to the grocery store at the beginning of their stay. How was I supposed to know that the “little prince” was allergic to grilled rattlesnake? Next time I’ll remove the venom glands during preparation.

The Princess and the “Pee”- Make sure the sleeping arrangements are agreed upon before the guests arrive. We thought they would like the privacy of their own room, but we don’t have a guest room. Our daughter generously donated her room to serve as the sleeping quarters for my brother and his wife. What we didn’t anticipate was that our male cat sniffed their belongings and discovered that they also had a male cat. Thank goodness the “spray” got on their clothes and not on our new carpet!

Seven Days Make Me “Weak”- If you love your guests, you might just hate them after about seven days of them eating your porridge, sleeping in your beds, and whining about your choice of toilet tissue. If you happen to have any unresolved childhood issues with your guests, seven days should give you ample time to dispose of the bodies! Overnight trips, in the middle of the visit, can give all parties a bit of a breather.
So this concludes my list of tips for you, and therapy for me, on the topic of dealing with house guests, and the follies, foibles, and food phobias that they bring. May you all be so lucky…