If You Give a WEW a Whiteboard

(NOTE: The Acronym WEW or W.E.W. pertaining to the phrase "Weekend Warrior" is a trademark of Christopher R. Prickett)

Most of us with kids have heard of the book “If You Give A Mouse A Cookie”, by Laura Joffe Numeroff. The book chronicles the chain of events that begin with feeding a rodent. This simple and seeming harmless act triggers a downward spiral that ends in complete annihilation of the planet, or something like that; I have to admit it’s been awhile since this tome was on my nightstand. Laura has written several sequels, including “If You Give A Moose A Muffin”, and “If You Give A Pig A Pancake”. I understand that her latest work, “If You Give An Elk An Ex-Lax” is due for a Christmas release.

While I have had a long and illustrious career in the field of home repair and maintenance, in many ways I’m just like you, a Weekend Warrior or “WEW”. (BTW, I just now officially coined that acronym-see my attorney for complete details). I spend much of my spare time first avoiding, and then tackling the various honey-do’s that have a tendency to reach terminal velocity right before the kickoff of football season. Quite often what starts out as a quick and simple task, ends in complete annihilation of my “me-time”. Yes my friends, I’m a WEW just like you!.

With the sincerest apologies to Ms. Numeroff, I proudly present, “ If You Give WEW A Whiteboard”.

If you give a WEW a whiteboard, you’ll also want to give him a dry-erase marker, but not a dry-eraser. You’ll want have the board hung in a prominent place, like eye-level on his favorite bathroom door. You’ll need to write up a list of chores for him to accomplish. You should probably put “Hang the Whiteboard” at the top of the list.

If you give a WEW a whiteboard, you should write the dates that you wrote the chore along with the date you expect it to be completed. If you don’t, expect to hear excuses like, “You just wrote that yesterday” or “I’ll get to it tomorrow”. When putting the completion date, be sure to INCLUDE THE YEAR, along with the day and month.

If you give a WEW a whiteboard, eventually he will get around to the chore. Let’s use cleaning the gunk out of the kitchen faucet aerator as an example(the little screen thingy that gets clogged with minerals and make the faucet run slow). He’ll begin by asking you to grab him a that old rusted pair of pliers from the junk drawer, because he’s too lazy to go to the garage and get the proper tools from the $2500 armor-plated tool chest that he “just had to have” last Father’s Day.

As he pulls out the faucet, that is connected to the sprayer hose, he’ll remember that the hose always gets caught on the supply valve under the sink. He’ll remember because you’ve had it written on the whiteboard since January 8th, 2003. He’ll figure that this is a good time to kill two birds with one stone. He decides to unscrew the other end of the sprayer hose, under the sink. He once again opts to not get the proper tools, in order to save time!

He’ll take the rusted old pliers to the hose connection under the sink, totally disregarding the fact that there is a tone of junk in the cabinet, including a half full bag of potting soil and an open bottle of liquid dish detergent. He’ll also forget to shut off the supply valve, because he’s in a hurry- kickoff is in 23 minutes.

As he attempts to loosen the hose connection, he’ll partially strip the nut with the rusted old pliers. As the nut loosens, he’ll realize that he didn’t turn the water off, and that he should have removed the half full bag of potting soil and dish detergent. Trying to do both, simultaneously, he’ll rip open the bag on the handle of the valve and knock over the dish detergent. As the water, detergent and potting soil mix, the family dog will get curious because of all the commotion. As the dog arrives on the scene, he will be distracted by the sight of the bent over WEW-butt, and introduce himself in typical dog fashion. This will startle the WEW, causing him to lift his head abruptly, while still under the sink.

When the ambulance arrives, they will be met by muddy, soapy, mutt, and one extremely unhappy WEW wife. They will quickly load the unconscious WEW into the ambulance; keeping in mind that time is of the essence- kickoff is in 11 minutes. Once the game is over, a plumber will show up, make repairs, and present you with a bill for $278.

So, if you give a WEW a whiteboard, you might want to reconsider… and just give him a cookie.