I remember way back in the Sixties, sitting on my Aunt Mamie’s porch in Riverside, NJ. Yes, I really did have an Aunt Mamie. There wasn’t any great scenery from that front porch, as a matter of fact, it was on a relatively busy road and overlooked an asphalt church parking lot. Funny thing is, I have some of my most vivid childhood memories surrounding that old front porch.
There was the time, when I was about four, that I was certain that I could drip lemonade from my lip directly into my brother’s belly button. Another time, I got spanked by my aunt because she thought I said a cuss-word. (I deny it to this day). Het, I said they were vivid memories, not necessarily profound ones! Sometime we just spent hours watching the cars go by.
Fast forward forty years, and I’m sitting here writing this column while, you guessed it, sitting on my front porch! I’m not sure why I haven’t done this in so long, but it’s a leisurely delight that’s way overdue.
I actually got the idea from my new neighbor. A few months ago he came home with several boxes of unassembled patio furniture. As I watched him put it all together, (no, I didn’t help-that would be violating some unwritten “man-law”) it occurred to me that the thought of getting my own set never crossed my mind. A few days and a smokin’ deal later, and I had my very own furnished front porch!
Since I have a west facing backyard, my new outdoor “room” was an instant hit for vegging after work! It was a much bigger hit before my wife and kids figured out where I was hiding, but (as the kids say) whatever! I found the front porch was a great place to sit and read the paper in the evening, so that’s what I started doing, and then a funny thing happened. I started seeing my neighbors! Go figure- you leave the privacy of your castle and backyard, and all of a sudden you start seeing all of those other people that venture out from the safety and anonymity of their castles.
At first it was a bit uncomfortable, do I wave, or pretend I didn’t see them. If I make eye contact, will they think I’m trying to uncover some “dirt” to report to the dreaded HOA? I knew I had to play it cool. At first it was a quick glance- one eyeball only! After a few days of this, I went with two eyes, and then a ever-so-slight nod. In a week or two, I was amazed! We actually exchanged pleasant greetings. Now we’re all in a real good comfort zone and I’ve had a few visits where my neighbors have actually sat down- no, I’m serious!
If you’ve got a neglected front porch, and you wish you were better acquainted with your neighborhood, I suggest you buy some comfy outdoor furniture and try sitting in it. Bring back an old and much neglected tradition. You won’t regret it, I know I haven’t! As a matter of fact, next week I’m going to get all crazy and make a pitcher of lemonade. My wife has already shot down a reenactment of the ol’ bellybutton trick!
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Quick Fixes
When my publisher asked me to write an article on “Quick Fixes”, I have to admit when I first heard that, I had a 70’s flashback. Just for the record, I never exhaled! Then it was explained the gist of the column was to give my readers some tips on saving the cost of a call to a contractor, for easily repairable projects. Thank goodness for that, I really don’t remember much of the 70’s… or 80’s if you want to know the truth!
I do remember a few things, however. So take these tips, and stash them away for when you need them. Just don’t forget where you hid your stash!
Jammed Garbage Disposal- If you hear that ominous sound of your disposal motor winding, shut off the disposal immediately. Look under your sink, or in your junk drawer, for the silver offset Allen wrench that came with the disposal. Unplug the disposal before proceeding. Insert the wrench into the hole at the very bottom of the disposal motor, and turn both ways to clear the jam. You can then reach into the disposal and pull out whatever caused the problem, usually a bottle cap or some other small metal object. If you don’t shut off the disposal in time, when you hear the motor winding, the built-in reset button will trip. This is a little red button right near the hole where you put the wrench. Simply press it in and you’re all set.
Stripped Screw Holes- Whether it’s a loose screw in a cabinet, a door hinge, or your handmade Indian Hookah pipe, the easiest way to perform this fix is with a little wood glue and a golf tee. Before you start, it’s a good idea to lightly rough up the golf tee so the glue will stick better. You can use sand paper or even an emery board. Squirt the wood glue in the hole (brown wood glue- not white household glue), jam the tee in the hole, and cut of the excess with a knife, and wipe off the excess glue with a slightly damp paper towel. Let it set up for 24 hours. It’s not a bad idea to pre-drill the hole, with a bit that’s slightly smaller than the screw, before re-securing the screw.
Plumbing Clogs- There are some clogs that require the help of a plumber, but many can be handled by the homeowner. Let’s say, for instance, you need to flush a large quantity of Oregano down the toilet, for some strange reason… Two quick and easy tricks to dealing with minor clogs call for nothing more than duct tape, and boiling water. Many clogs can be cleared by simply pouring a pot of boiling water down the drain. When using a plunger to clear clogs, put a piece of duct tape over the overflow hole on your bathroom sink or tub. This will help to give the plunger more “push”. When pushing the plunger, quick, sharp, pushes are most effective.
Non-Working Bathroom, Kitchen, Garage and Exterior Outlets- Some people might think that you’d have to be a real “stoner” to not know this, but you’d be surprised how many calls I get from people who don’t realize that the outlets in their bathrooms, kitchens, and garages (as well as some dining rooms) have GFCI outlets. These trip when there is a “ground-fault” (basically a short) and are a code requirement at all wet locations. If your bathroom outlet trips from your 14,000 watt blow dryer, there is another outlet in one of the bathrooms that has a reset button. This will control the GFCI protection in ALL bathrooms. You’ll have one or two in your garage that handle the garage and all exterior outlets. The kitchen has two “dedicated” GFCI outlets that may also handle one or two in the dining room.
That’s enough for this week, my short-term memory loss just kicked in!
I do remember a few things, however. So take these tips, and stash them away for when you need them. Just don’t forget where you hid your stash!
Jammed Garbage Disposal- If you hear that ominous sound of your disposal motor winding, shut off the disposal immediately. Look under your sink, or in your junk drawer, for the silver offset Allen wrench that came with the disposal. Unplug the disposal before proceeding. Insert the wrench into the hole at the very bottom of the disposal motor, and turn both ways to clear the jam. You can then reach into the disposal and pull out whatever caused the problem, usually a bottle cap or some other small metal object. If you don’t shut off the disposal in time, when you hear the motor winding, the built-in reset button will trip. This is a little red button right near the hole where you put the wrench. Simply press it in and you’re all set.
Stripped Screw Holes- Whether it’s a loose screw in a cabinet, a door hinge, or your handmade Indian Hookah pipe, the easiest way to perform this fix is with a little wood glue and a golf tee. Before you start, it’s a good idea to lightly rough up the golf tee so the glue will stick better. You can use sand paper or even an emery board. Squirt the wood glue in the hole (brown wood glue- not white household glue), jam the tee in the hole, and cut of the excess with a knife, and wipe off the excess glue with a slightly damp paper towel. Let it set up for 24 hours. It’s not a bad idea to pre-drill the hole, with a bit that’s slightly smaller than the screw, before re-securing the screw.
Plumbing Clogs- There are some clogs that require the help of a plumber, but many can be handled by the homeowner. Let’s say, for instance, you need to flush a large quantity of Oregano down the toilet, for some strange reason… Two quick and easy tricks to dealing with minor clogs call for nothing more than duct tape, and boiling water. Many clogs can be cleared by simply pouring a pot of boiling water down the drain. When using a plunger to clear clogs, put a piece of duct tape over the overflow hole on your bathroom sink or tub. This will help to give the plunger more “push”. When pushing the plunger, quick, sharp, pushes are most effective.
Non-Working Bathroom, Kitchen, Garage and Exterior Outlets- Some people might think that you’d have to be a real “stoner” to not know this, but you’d be surprised how many calls I get from people who don’t realize that the outlets in their bathrooms, kitchens, and garages (as well as some dining rooms) have GFCI outlets. These trip when there is a “ground-fault” (basically a short) and are a code requirement at all wet locations. If your bathroom outlet trips from your 14,000 watt blow dryer, there is another outlet in one of the bathrooms that has a reset button. This will control the GFCI protection in ALL bathrooms. You’ll have one or two in your garage that handle the garage and all exterior outlets. The kitchen has two “dedicated” GFCI outlets that may also handle one or two in the dining room.
That’s enough for this week, my short-term memory loss just kicked in!
Sunday, May 20, 2007
How to Treat a House Guest
It seems that I am nothing but a backwoods, unsophisticated hillbilly. This may come as no great surprise to those who know me, but I was unaware of it until my brother and his family came to visit last month.
You see, my brother resides in the great cultural bastion of Boston, Massachusetts. That’s right, Boston, home of the triple digit tax structure and the multi-billion dollar tunnel system that crushes unsuspecting motorists on a weekly basis.
During his visit, I was enlightened to the following shortcomings of my backward, yokel lifestyle:
My toilet paper is too rough- They prefer that new fangled quilted two-ply brand
My “homemade” pancakes are thin and flavorless- Whole Wheat flour, a pinch of brown sugar, and pre-whipped organic egg whites are preferred
I do not stock each and every room in my home with a fresh box of facial tissues- Poor guy was forced to blow his regal schnoz with the same one-ply that isn’t even fit for his also regal tush.
Our coffee is much too strong and you can’t buy light cream in this God-forsaken burg- 2% milk and half-n-half are for peasants.
Now that I’ve learned the proper way to treat house guests, I’ll do much better when he’s invited back (sometime in the year 2032), I thought I’d pass on some tips for dealing with your more discriminating house guests.
Have a Schedule - Take some time to put together an itinerary that fits the desires and capabilities of your guests. For instance; if outdoor trips to the Grand Canyon, Camelback Mountain, or any of our other natural treasures are in order, make sure your guests bring the proper footwear and other items of clothing. The red clay of Sedona is murder on Nordstrom’s Spring Collection.
Got Pate’?- Get an idea of your guests likes and dislikes before they arrive, and either stock up or plan a trip to the grocery store at the beginning of their stay. How was I supposed to know that the “little prince” was allergic to grilled rattlesnake? Next time I’ll remove the venom glands during preparation.
The Princess and the “Pee”- Make sure the sleeping arrangements are agreed upon before the guests arrive. We thought they would like the privacy of their own room, but we don’t have a guest room. Our daughter generously donated her room to serve as the sleeping quarters for my brother and his wife. What we didn’t anticipate was that our male cat sniffed their belongings and discovered that they also had a male cat. Thank goodness the “spray” got on their clothes and not on our new carpet!
Seven Days Make Me “Weak”- If you love your guests, you might just hate them after about seven days of them eating your porridge, sleeping in your beds, and whining about your choice of toilet tissue. If you happen to have any unresolved childhood issues with your guests, seven days should give you ample time to dispose of the bodies! Overnight trips, in the middle of the visit, can give all parties a bit of a breather.
So this concludes my list of tips for you, and therapy for me, on the topic of dealing with house guests, and the follies, foibles, and food phobias that they bring. May you all be so lucky…
You see, my brother resides in the great cultural bastion of Boston, Massachusetts. That’s right, Boston, home of the triple digit tax structure and the multi-billion dollar tunnel system that crushes unsuspecting motorists on a weekly basis.
During his visit, I was enlightened to the following shortcomings of my backward, yokel lifestyle:
My toilet paper is too rough- They prefer that new fangled quilted two-ply brand
My “homemade” pancakes are thin and flavorless- Whole Wheat flour, a pinch of brown sugar, and pre-whipped organic egg whites are preferred
I do not stock each and every room in my home with a fresh box of facial tissues- Poor guy was forced to blow his regal schnoz with the same one-ply that isn’t even fit for his also regal tush.
Our coffee is much too strong and you can’t buy light cream in this God-forsaken burg- 2% milk and half-n-half are for peasants.
Now that I’ve learned the proper way to treat house guests, I’ll do much better when he’s invited back (sometime in the year 2032), I thought I’d pass on some tips for dealing with your more discriminating house guests.
Have a Schedule - Take some time to put together an itinerary that fits the desires and capabilities of your guests. For instance; if outdoor trips to the Grand Canyon, Camelback Mountain, or any of our other natural treasures are in order, make sure your guests bring the proper footwear and other items of clothing. The red clay of Sedona is murder on Nordstrom’s Spring Collection.
Got Pate’?- Get an idea of your guests likes and dislikes before they arrive, and either stock up or plan a trip to the grocery store at the beginning of their stay. How was I supposed to know that the “little prince” was allergic to grilled rattlesnake? Next time I’ll remove the venom glands during preparation.
The Princess and the “Pee”- Make sure the sleeping arrangements are agreed upon before the guests arrive. We thought they would like the privacy of their own room, but we don’t have a guest room. Our daughter generously donated her room to serve as the sleeping quarters for my brother and his wife. What we didn’t anticipate was that our male cat sniffed their belongings and discovered that they also had a male cat. Thank goodness the “spray” got on their clothes and not on our new carpet!
Seven Days Make Me “Weak”- If you love your guests, you might just hate them after about seven days of them eating your porridge, sleeping in your beds, and whining about your choice of toilet tissue. If you happen to have any unresolved childhood issues with your guests, seven days should give you ample time to dispose of the bodies! Overnight trips, in the middle of the visit, can give all parties a bit of a breather.
So this concludes my list of tips for you, and therapy for me, on the topic of dealing with house guests, and the follies, foibles, and food phobias that they bring. May you all be so lucky…
Duct Cleaning???
(From an email I received)
I just received (as probably everyone in town has) an advertising from a "Duct Cleaning Service". In the advertisement it touts that they can clean my vents and returns, brush, vacuum and wash the duct with a special solution. Plus free deodorizer for $74.00 and guarantee it up to 6 years warranty. My husband says it is a scam and that the material used for the ducts will tear, perforate, and costs us more to seal the vent airways in the long run. I say that his problems with his allergies and asthma has increased due to us not having the vents and airways cleaned. What do you say?
Thanks
Kay
Kay,
If it sounds too good to be true...
I'm not familiar with this company, but I hear about this type of pitch every spring. Think about it: With today's gas prices and wages, how the heck can anyone do anything that will benefit you and your ducts for $74? This is the way these things usually go...
Repair Guy: Hello Mrs. Sucker, er, I mean Smith, let's have a look at those ducts. (5 minutes later) Well, surprisingly enough, I've got some bad news. It seems after doing eight and a half seconds of actual work, we discovered that you have a tribe of Cannibalistic Duct Dwellers living in your attic. There’s a lot of it going around. Not only have they infested your heating AND cooling system, they've also gotten a hold of your credit cards and are charging Omaha Steaks and Yoo-hoo! And, oh yeah, they’re what is causing your husband’s allergies.
Mrs. Sucker: Wow, that sounds expensive! Can you help me, kind sir?
Repair Guy: Why yes! Today is your lucky day! For the most reasonable sum of $695.99, I can sell you an extended warranty. It seems that the CDD's hate these things. Once you write the check they will move to your neighbor's house. But don't worry, I'll be stopping by there in just a jiffy!
Mrs. Sucker: Oh, you kind man, how can I ever repay you? Will you have my lovely daughter's hand in marriage?
Hopefully, you get my point. If your house is less than five years old, and you've faithfully changed your return air filters, there's no need to pay to have them cleaned. If they are dirty, I'd have a trusted local company look at them and give you their opinion. I've seen way too many homeowners taken to the (duct) cleaners by fly-by-night services. While I doubt the practically useless service they perform will tear your ducts, it will perforate you checking account
Regarding your husband's allergies, your money is better spent on electronic air filters- the type that is installed right into the system. Trane make an excellent product called "Clean-Effects" that works very well. Simply cleaning your ducts will do nothing to combat the dust, dirt, and grime that come from everyday living in the desert.
Bottom line, your husband is probably right, don’t waste your money. If he’s anything like most husbands, this is likely the first time that he has ever been right, so you should celebrate the occasion over some nice thick steaks and a cold chocolaty beverage of your choice!
I just received (as probably everyone in town has) an advertising from a "Duct Cleaning Service". In the advertisement it touts that they can clean my vents and returns, brush, vacuum and wash the duct with a special solution. Plus free deodorizer for $74.00 and guarantee it up to 6 years warranty. My husband says it is a scam and that the material used for the ducts will tear, perforate, and costs us more to seal the vent airways in the long run. I say that his problems with his allergies and asthma has increased due to us not having the vents and airways cleaned. What do you say?
Thanks
Kay
Kay,
If it sounds too good to be true...
I'm not familiar with this company, but I hear about this type of pitch every spring. Think about it: With today's gas prices and wages, how the heck can anyone do anything that will benefit you and your ducts for $74? This is the way these things usually go...
Repair Guy: Hello Mrs. Sucker, er, I mean Smith, let's have a look at those ducts. (5 minutes later) Well, surprisingly enough, I've got some bad news. It seems after doing eight and a half seconds of actual work, we discovered that you have a tribe of Cannibalistic Duct Dwellers living in your attic. There’s a lot of it going around. Not only have they infested your heating AND cooling system, they've also gotten a hold of your credit cards and are charging Omaha Steaks and Yoo-hoo! And, oh yeah, they’re what is causing your husband’s allergies.
Mrs. Sucker: Wow, that sounds expensive! Can you help me, kind sir?
Repair Guy: Why yes! Today is your lucky day! For the most reasonable sum of $695.99, I can sell you an extended warranty. It seems that the CDD's hate these things. Once you write the check they will move to your neighbor's house. But don't worry, I'll be stopping by there in just a jiffy!
Mrs. Sucker: Oh, you kind man, how can I ever repay you? Will you have my lovely daughter's hand in marriage?
Hopefully, you get my point. If your house is less than five years old, and you've faithfully changed your return air filters, there's no need to pay to have them cleaned. If they are dirty, I'd have a trusted local company look at them and give you their opinion. I've seen way too many homeowners taken to the (duct) cleaners by fly-by-night services. While I doubt the practically useless service they perform will tear your ducts, it will perforate you checking account
Regarding your husband's allergies, your money is better spent on electronic air filters- the type that is installed right into the system. Trane make an excellent product called "Clean-Effects" that works very well. Simply cleaning your ducts will do nothing to combat the dust, dirt, and grime that come from everyday living in the desert.
Bottom line, your husband is probably right, don’t waste your money. If he’s anything like most husbands, this is likely the first time that he has ever been right, so you should celebrate the occasion over some nice thick steaks and a cold chocolaty beverage of your choice!
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