Something that "Rocks"

So I get this email at 8:10 am, on a Thursday morning. Its from my keepers at In & Out Publications, LLC. I’m told that they want to bump the literal masterpiece (that I submitted two freaking weeks ago) and they now want me to “whip up” something about landscaping rocks. No, I’m serious. Oh, and they want it by tomorrow morning to meet some stupid deadline. Hey, I’m an artist, here! Do think I can just spew out 600 words on command, like some trained chimp? Fine, here’s what you get when you rush an artist…

I grew up in a small town in New Jersey, a place where people were relatively normal and tended to plant grass in their yards. Well, actually, there was this one guy who laid asphalt and painted it green, but he also wore a tin foil hat and yelled profanities at the mailbox. Other than that guy, grass is what went in your yard, period.

Behind our house was gravel covered alley. When cars drove through the alley, they would spray that gravel into our yard. Subsequently, I spent many summer days picking rocks out of our lawn, usually as punishment for something I didn’t do. I was misunderstood then, much like I am now. Bottom line: rocks go in the alley, not the yard. Grass goes in the yard.

Imagine my confusion the first time I laid eyes on Greater Phoenix suburbia! My first notion was that the kids out here were either very well behaved, or extremely lazy! It took me a day or two to realize that you zany locals put rocks in your yard on purpose. I even saw one guy in Sun City whose front “lawn” was adorned with thousands and thousands of red, white, and blue hand painted pebbles that spelled out “America, Love it or Leave it”. The thought occurred to me that this homeowner must be very patriotic, very angry, and have an awful lot of time on his hands.

Technically speaking, it’s not called rock, or pebbles, or stones, or gravel, for that matter. The proper term is “decomposed granite”. No, really, that’s what its called. (I think I know one industry that is totally overpaying it’s marketing department) The big pieces of granite have decomposed into smaller pieces of granite, which is how they came up with the wonderful name. By the way, this decomposition process continues after you hump, haul, and rake it into your yard. Eventually, the rocks turn into gravel, and the gravel turns into dust. That’s why you need to repeat the process every five to ten years. Oh, joy!

As you probably know, the color of your rocks, as well as the size, can be they difference between HOA harmony and the dreaded “nasty-gram”. Some people have had to remove tons of the stuff because it was too big, too small, to red, or too brown. I don’t think the quarries have a return policy, so its best to know what you’re permitted to have before you get it dumped in front of your house. Oh, and when you do get it dumped in front of your house, its your responsibility to make sure that “Mount Gravel” doesn’t pose a safety hazard to vehicles navigating the street. As much as we’d all love to witness our neighbor’s Subaru jump 23 recycling bins, most community CC&R’s frown upon this type of exhibition- and the facial lacerations that go with it.

Well that concludes my column on gravel, or rocks, or… whatever you want to call the stuff. I hope you learned something, although you probably didn’t. Its not about education around here, or art for that matter. Its all about keeping the honchos happy. I feel so, so dirty….