I have to admit, I never saw it coming. It was a typical Saturday morning and my trusty whiteboard was chock full of honey-do’s and gotta-get-dones. I had cracks to caulk, weeds to whack, and a porch to paint. On any other weekend, this would be cause for much rejoicing. Yeah, I’m funny that way. Give me a list of chores and a pouch full of power tools, and I’m in handyman heaven. But this time it was different. There was no rejoicing, just regret. Excited anticipation was replaced with downright dejection. There was no joy in Toolville. Then it hit me: I was suffering from an acute case of (gasp) Domicile Dowturn Depression.
With the exception of peculiar guys like me, mundane chores such as painting, mowing, and caulking rate just slightly above un-anaesthetized ingrown toenail extraction on the typical homeowner’s list of weekend things to do. Now that home values are plunging and adjustable mortgage rates are soaring, the thought of blowing precious “me time” on the ol' money pit is an even harder sell, to say the least. The good news is that eventually the market will turn. Always has, always will. What happens in the meantime time could be the difference between “fixer-upper” and “fabulous find” when it comes time to sell. With this in mind, I knew I had to break through my DDD diagnosis and find a treatment for this horrible and debilitating disease, and that’s just what I did. It is my hope that my journey will serve to help others that are fighting this dreadful affliction.
Like all diseases, the first step is proper diagnosis. Symptoms of DDD include (but are not limited to) sudden and frequent urges to vegetate, Lumberaphobia- an irrational fear of wood and wood glue, mood swings that coincide with monthly bill paying, and an uncontrollable desire to “Zillow” your neighborhood more than seven times a day. If you suffer from two or more of these symptoms, please read on.
While there is no cure for DDD, there is hope. I have found that naming my weeds after local and national media real estate pundits is a wonderful motivator when it comes time to doing the weekly whack. Pretending my caulk gun is a real gun is another effective treatment. (Mimicking the sound of a Tommy-gun while applying the caulk makes it even more realistic) Scream Therapy helps, but only when in the presence of a bound and gagged mortgage broker. You might want to research local kidnapping ordinances before trying that last suggestion.
Does grinding out the homeowner to-do list still feel like that time your Mom made you send a birthday gift to the high school sweetheart who dumped you two days before the prom, but after you paid a hefty non-refundable deposit on the tuxedo, flowers, limousine, and were all but sure you’d get to second base for the first time in your wretched, acne pocked, C-minus in English Composition (which you thought you were really good in, but the teacher was out to get you), high school life? Maybe you should see a doctor or something; you might need some kind of mental medicine. If my advice has helped you, let me know. Maybe I can write a book on the subject because I really need another source of income. My 5-1 adjustable is going to re-amortize any day now.
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