Santa V. The HOA

Dear Chris,

I really enjoy your column. I always learn something and get a chuckle at the same time. In fact, I read it to the elves during break time- it really helps to ease the tension that comes with 22 hour workdays. Hopefully you can help me with my problem.

As you can probably imagine, Rudolph has gotten quite full of himself over the years. When I rescued him from the Island of Misfits, he was just a shy yearling with chronic nasal congestion. Now, I’m sad to say, Rudolph has gone “Hollywood” and is demanding his own private stable. The problem is that I’m not sure the North Pole CC&R’s will allow it! I’ve already gotten “nastygrams” for leaving my Christmas lights up too long, and for violating the pooper scooper ordinance. We had to shut down Mrs. Claus’s cookie baking business when our neighbor, Old Man Winter, reported us to the health department.

Any advice or direction would be greatly appreciated.

Kristopher Nicholas Kringle (aka Santa)

Dear Santa,

Thank you for taking the time to write. While I’m not familiar with the CC&R’s where you live, my guess is you’ve got a snowball’s chance in… well, you get the idea.

To be perfectly frank, you don’t sound like the kind of guy who should live in an HOA type community. Did you read the CC&R’s BEFORE you bought there? You’ve already ticked off one neighbor; it’s just a matter of time before the Ice Queen comes down on you as well. I can only imagine what it would be like to live downwind of eight reindeer- tiny or not! Do you have enough off-street sleigh parking for the elves? I’m guessing no. And 22 hours a day of hammering, sawing, and Blitzen knows what else? Dude, you’re the misfit!

Regarding your stable building question, let’s do some simple math here. The Rudolph movie came out in 1964, which means your” problem child” is at least 43 years old. Don’t you think it’s time he got a place of his own? Cut the cord, man, cut the cord! I’ve read in the tabloids that all he does is sit around with his childhood friend Hermey, drinking cider and playing Xbox. You’re way too easy on him, Santa. As an aside, Hermey really should have pursued that career in dentistry- candy canes have NOT been kind to his smile!

Sorry if I’m coming down a bit hard on you Santa, but it sounds to me like you need a little tough love and piping hot cup of reality check! Your story is eerily familiar to the Easter Bunny v. Sun City- Briar Patch case a few years back. E.B. knew that he couldn’t let his 4,327 children live in an age restricted community but he did it anyway. Have you noticed that the baskets have been smaller the last few years? Attorneys aren’t cheap, Mr. Kringle. You need to make some changes quick or you could be jingling all the way to the poor house!

Let me suggest selling the home you have, and picking up some acreage in the Yukon. The Abominable Snowman is a Realtor® up there- use my name and he’ll take good care of you. Sure, you’ll take a hit because of current market conditions, but it’s all relative. This way you can start fresh and do things right. Mrs. Claus can re-launch her cookie business, Rudolph and his buddies will have room to romp, and you might find the isolation quite relaxing.

Good luck Santa, please see my attached wish list. Oh, and if you could, try and park the reindeer in the driveway this year. I’m not saying it was you, but we just happened to find some cracked roof tiles right after last year’s visit.