I have to admit, I never saw it coming. It was a typical Saturday morning and my trusty whiteboard was chock full of honey-do’s and gotta-get-dones. I had cracks to caulk, weeds to whack, and a porch to paint. On any other weekend, this would be cause for much rejoicing. Yeah, I’m funny that way. Give me a list of chores and a pouch full of power tools, and I’m in handyman heaven. But this time it was different. There was no rejoicing, just regret. Excited anticipation was replaced with downright dejection. There was no joy in Toolville. Then it hit me: I was suffering from an acute case of (gasp) Domicile Dowturn Depression.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Down Market Maintenance
Monday, April 14, 2008
Something that "Rocks"
So I get this email at
I grew up in a small town in
Behind our house was gravel covered alley. When cars drove through the alley, they would spray that gravel into our yard. Subsequently, I spent many summer days picking rocks out of our lawn, usually as punishment for something I didn’t do. I was misunderstood then, much like I am now. Bottom line: rocks go in the alley, not the yard. Grass goes in the yard.
Imagine my confusion the first time I laid eyes on Greater Phoenix suburbia! My first notion was that the kids out here were either very well behaved, or extremely lazy! It took me a day or two to realize that you zany locals put rocks in your yard on purpose. I even saw one guy in
Technically speaking, it’s not called rock, or pebbles, or stones, or gravel, for that matter. The proper term is “decomposed granite”. No, really, that’s what its called. (I think I know one industry that is totally overpaying it’s marketing department) The big pieces of granite have decomposed into smaller pieces of granite, which is how they came up with the wonderful name. By the way, this decomposition process continues after you hump, haul, and rake it into your yard. Eventually, the rocks turn into gravel, and the gravel turns into dust. That’s why you need to repeat the process every five to ten years. Oh, joy!
As you probably know, the color of your rocks, as well as the size, can be they difference between HOA harmony and the dreaded “nasty-gram”. Some people have had to remove tons of the stuff because it was too big, too small, to red, or too brown. I don’t think the quarries have a return policy, so its best to know what you’re permitted to have before you get it dumped in front of your house. Oh, and when you do get it dumped in front of your house, its your responsibility to make sure that “Mount Gravel” doesn’t pose a safety hazard to vehicles navigating the street. As much as we’d all love to witness our neighbor’s Subaru jump 23 recycling bins, most community CC&R’s frown upon this type of exhibition- and the facial lacerations that go with it.
Well that concludes my column on gravel, or rocks, or… whatever you want to call the stuff. I hope you learned something, although you probably didn’t. Its not about education around here, or art for that matter. Its all about keeping the honchos happy. I feel so, so dirty….
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Roof Inspector, or Roofer?
Dear Chris,
I see you are no longer a home inspector -- probably have not been for awhile. I only noticed because I needed my roof inspected, as it is leaking, and I am not sure it should be after only 5 years. Can you refer me to someone who can come out and look at it before I call the roofing company?
Thank you for all of your articles, you are very informative and HILARIOUS!
Angie
Dear Angie,
Let me start by thanking you for your compliment and giving you one in return. Your ability to recognize talent is amazingly accurate! You are also accurate in observing that I am no longer a home inspector. Long story, happy ending.
Now let’s talk about you roof, shall we? No, it shouldn’t be leaking, and you probably want to call a roofer rather than an inspector. An inspector will tell you that your roof is leaking and, of course, you already know that! A roofer will tell you why and what needs to be done to fix it. A home inspector is a generalist and a roofer is a specialist. You go to a family doctor for an annual check-up, but if you wake up one morning and notice that you’ve grown an extra ear, you probably need a specialist.
It’s possible that your roof is still under warranty, so your first call should be to the builder or their roofing contractor. If the roof has been fine for five years and now all of a sudden is leaking, the problem may not be warranty related. I tend to get a number of calls on roof leaks right after Christmas decoration installation season. Maybe that’s just a coincidence.
Let’s go back to the subject of the inspector/doctor analogy. There are those who get an annual check-up and those who only go to the doctor when they sprout an additional appendage. The same goes for homeowners and their roofs. If you read your roof warranty, the manufacturer generally recommends an inspection every two years. I agree. They also require that you maintain your roof. I agree with that as well. Now, before you sling a ladder up on you roof and risk breaking your roof tiles and your cranium, let me clarify what I mean by inspection and maintenance.
Inspection: Once a year you should inspect the roof yourself, but not by walking on it. Use a ladder to check from the roof eave, or use binoculars to get a better view from the ground. A combination of these two methods is best. You should be looking for broken or dislodged tiles, tree branches rubbing against the roof, debris, or anything else that doesn’t look right. If you’re on a small lot, you may need to look from a neighbor’s property. You might want to get permission first, rather than sneak into their yard with a pair of binoculars. I’m told that the police frown on that type of behavior. Every two years have a licensed roofer or qualified home inspector go up and walk the roof. By walking the roof, they will get to see everything up close and personal.
Maintenance: Pretty simple stuff here. If you see something wrong, get it fixed! Cut back any branches that are touching the roof. Remove debris (and kid’s toys) that you find. If there are broken tiles, get them replaced. If they’re loose, get them secured. Most people don’t realize that roof tiles aren’t 100% water proof. They are made of concrete and concrete is porous. Part of their job is to protect the underlayment, or roofing paper, which sheds any water that seeps through the tiles. If the underlayment is exposed to the elements, it deteriorates. That’s what often causes the leak.
I hope you found this week’s column as hilarious as those in the past. Probably not, roofs just aren’t that funny. I actually know a pretty good roof joke. Never mind, it’s over your head.
I see you are no longer a home inspector -- probably have not been for awhile. I only noticed because I needed my roof inspected, as it is leaking, and I am not sure it should be after only 5 years. Can you refer me to someone who can come out and look at it before I call the roofing company?
Thank you for all of your articles, you are very informative and HILARIOUS!
Angie
Dear Angie,
Let me start by thanking you for your compliment and giving you one in return. Your ability to recognize talent is amazingly accurate! You are also accurate in observing that I am no longer a home inspector. Long story, happy ending.
Now let’s talk about you roof, shall we? No, it shouldn’t be leaking, and you probably want to call a roofer rather than an inspector. An inspector will tell you that your roof is leaking and, of course, you already know that! A roofer will tell you why and what needs to be done to fix it. A home inspector is a generalist and a roofer is a specialist. You go to a family doctor for an annual check-up, but if you wake up one morning and notice that you’ve grown an extra ear, you probably need a specialist.
It’s possible that your roof is still under warranty, so your first call should be to the builder or their roofing contractor. If the roof has been fine for five years and now all of a sudden is leaking, the problem may not be warranty related. I tend to get a number of calls on roof leaks right after Christmas decoration installation season. Maybe that’s just a coincidence.
Let’s go back to the subject of the inspector/doctor analogy. There are those who get an annual check-up and those who only go to the doctor when they sprout an additional appendage. The same goes for homeowners and their roofs. If you read your roof warranty, the manufacturer generally recommends an inspection every two years. I agree. They also require that you maintain your roof. I agree with that as well. Now, before you sling a ladder up on you roof and risk breaking your roof tiles and your cranium, let me clarify what I mean by inspection and maintenance.
Inspection: Once a year you should inspect the roof yourself, but not by walking on it. Use a ladder to check from the roof eave, or use binoculars to get a better view from the ground. A combination of these two methods is best. You should be looking for broken or dislodged tiles, tree branches rubbing against the roof, debris, or anything else that doesn’t look right. If you’re on a small lot, you may need to look from a neighbor’s property. You might want to get permission first, rather than sneak into their yard with a pair of binoculars. I’m told that the police frown on that type of behavior. Every two years have a licensed roofer or qualified home inspector go up and walk the roof. By walking the roof, they will get to see everything up close and personal.
Maintenance: Pretty simple stuff here. If you see something wrong, get it fixed! Cut back any branches that are touching the roof. Remove debris (and kid’s toys) that you find. If there are broken tiles, get them replaced. If they’re loose, get them secured. Most people don’t realize that roof tiles aren’t 100% water proof. They are made of concrete and concrete is porous. Part of their job is to protect the underlayment, or roofing paper, which sheds any water that seeps through the tiles. If the underlayment is exposed to the elements, it deteriorates. That’s what often causes the leak.
I hope you found this week’s column as hilarious as those in the past. Probably not, roofs just aren’t that funny. I actually know a pretty good roof joke. Never mind, it’s over your head.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Sorting out Home Furnace Filters: How to Choose the Right One
All the world’s a stage, and some of the best shows can be found at the furnace filter aisle of the neighborhood big box store. With a sea of sizes and selection as a backdrop, the players mill around mumbling incoherently. Listen closely, and words like “micron” and “allergen” and “electrostatic” can be heard between the moans, sighs, and facial contortions. Sadly, these pour souls are store employees.
The science behind home filtration has come a long way, baby! Originally designed to help protect the HVAC (Heating, Ventilation, and Air Conditioning) system, today’s furnace filter is on the front line in the battle to improve indoor air quality. Selecting the right filter is a balance between health, expectations, budget, and possibly sanity.
Spun Fiberglass
At a few dollars each, these are the cheapest and most common type of furnace filter. They block most of the large dust particles, but smaller allergens, like pollen and mold spores, will pass right through. Because they are the thinnest of all filters, they are best suited for lower quality builder grade systems that cannot handle a thicker filter media. A spun fiberglass filter should be changed monthly.
Washable/Electrostatic
Slightly more effective than a fiberglass filter, the attraction of a washable filter lies in long term savings. The initial cost is around $25, but they last for years. The downside is in the washing. In dustier climates they should be cleaned monthly, and that’s not practical for the typical busy homeowner.
Pleated Media
More surface means more filtration. A pleated filter combines a thicker filtration media to catch more particles, with pleats to increase the overall working surface, making it an effective and popular option. The cost is about $15, and they can last up to three months, depending on climate conditions. The thicker media may reduce the efficiency of builder grade systems.
Electronic Air Filters
For people with severe allergies or similar health related issues, the benefits of an electronic air filtration system might justify the initial cost of $700 or more. Using electromagnetic attraction, they can eliminate pollen and mold spores as well as many airborne viruses.
The most common HVAC maintenance and repair issues can be traced back to filter neglect. So whatever the choice, remember to clean or replace it often. Now, back to the store- there’s new guy starting today, and I’ve got front row seats!
The science behind home filtration has come a long way, baby! Originally designed to help protect the HVAC (Heating, Ventilation, and Air Conditioning) system, today’s furnace filter is on the front line in the battle to improve indoor air quality. Selecting the right filter is a balance between health, expectations, budget, and possibly sanity.
Spun Fiberglass
At a few dollars each, these are the cheapest and most common type of furnace filter. They block most of the large dust particles, but smaller allergens, like pollen and mold spores, will pass right through. Because they are the thinnest of all filters, they are best suited for lower quality builder grade systems that cannot handle a thicker filter media. A spun fiberglass filter should be changed monthly.
Washable/Electrostatic
Slightly more effective than a fiberglass filter, the attraction of a washable filter lies in long term savings. The initial cost is around $25, but they last for years. The downside is in the washing. In dustier climates they should be cleaned monthly, and that’s not practical for the typical busy homeowner.
Pleated Media
More surface means more filtration. A pleated filter combines a thicker filtration media to catch more particles, with pleats to increase the overall working surface, making it an effective and popular option. The cost is about $15, and they can last up to three months, depending on climate conditions. The thicker media may reduce the efficiency of builder grade systems.
Electronic Air Filters
For people with severe allergies or similar health related issues, the benefits of an electronic air filtration system might justify the initial cost of $700 or more. Using electromagnetic attraction, they can eliminate pollen and mold spores as well as many airborne viruses.
The most common HVAC maintenance and repair issues can be traced back to filter neglect. So whatever the choice, remember to clean or replace it often. Now, back to the store- there’s new guy starting today, and I’ve got front row seats!
Dust Reducing Tips
Use a good furnace filter and change it often
Use an efficient vacuum (Central vac and HEPA are great)
Avoid smoking the house
Keep pets cleaned and groomed, and brush them outside
Remove footwear before coming inside
Keep windows closed
Reduce drafts
Choose tile or wood flooring instead of carpet
Monday, December 24, 2007
Kickin' '07 Out the Door
“Someday we’ll look back on this and it will all seem funny. But now you’re said, your Momma’s mad, and your Pappa says he know that I don’t have any money…” Bruce Springsteen, from the song “Rosalita (Come Out Tonight)” circa 1972
I don’t know exactly why, but when I began writing my ’07 wrap up article, that song (and particularly that verse) popped into my head. This may quite possibly be a sign that my mind is beginning to deteriorate, in which case I can look forward to more random moldy oldies playing on my inner iPod Shuffle. Or, it could be that it puts a nice punctuation point on the year that was.
If your livelihood (or investment portfolio) is even indirectly connected to residential real estate, I’m guessing that 2007 was not a banner year. I’m also going to guess that you’re glad to see it in the rearview mirror. And I can understand that. There’s an old saying that goes “Sometimes, in life, you feel like a Jackass in a wind storm. You just have to stand there and take it!” If the Springsteenian wisdom doesn’t do it for you, try that one on for size. But being the sickly sweet, optimistic, Pollyanna that I am, I’m going to miss the year soon to be known as “last”. Because in a lot of ways (at least for me) it was a really great one!
I came into ’07 with a healthy family, and I’m leaving it the same way. After that, everything else is small potatoes. While I’m no skinnier than I was a year ago, I’m no fatter! Less hair, yes, more wrinkly, sure, but no fatter! My wife still puts up with my bad jokes, and occasionally even laughs- I’m really not sure if she’s laughing at my jokes or my progressively balding wrinkling face- but hey, a laugh is a laugh!
None of my hometown sports teams did very well this year (I’m a diehard, loser, Philly fan) but I had the honor of coaching a great bunch of kids in flag football. And, I can still drag my middle aged butt up and down a basketball court two or three times a week. It ain’t pretty, but I can still do it.
The slow real estate market meant I was able to spend more time with my kids-always a good thing! I learned that a six year old boy never tires out, unless it’s time to do chores. I also learned that the definitions for “preteen girl” and “drama” are interchangeable.
My writing improved last year as well. Maybe not my creative ability, but certainly my grammar and sentence structure…well at least my grammar. I even had a reader patiently take the time to teach me how to properly conjugate the word “unequivocal”, while at a Christmas party last week (Thanks Sara!) Of course, I did have to go home and look up the word “conjugate”. Actually, Sara was quite complimentary of my work, and she’s just one of many who have come up to me and said nice things. That’s really made it a great year!
I love this community! And as In & Out extends its circulation all the way down to Happy Valley, I’ve gotten a chance to meet more and more really nice people. In a relatively short time, this year will be a distant memory, and I know that most of it will make me smile when I think back on it. But that’s just me, the sickly sweet, optimistic, Pollyanna with the thinning hair and wrinkles.
I don’t know exactly why, but when I began writing my ’07 wrap up article, that song (and particularly that verse) popped into my head. This may quite possibly be a sign that my mind is beginning to deteriorate, in which case I can look forward to more random moldy oldies playing on my inner iPod Shuffle. Or, it could be that it puts a nice punctuation point on the year that was.
If your livelihood (or investment portfolio) is even indirectly connected to residential real estate, I’m guessing that 2007 was not a banner year. I’m also going to guess that you’re glad to see it in the rearview mirror. And I can understand that. There’s an old saying that goes “Sometimes, in life, you feel like a Jackass in a wind storm. You just have to stand there and take it!” If the Springsteenian wisdom doesn’t do it for you, try that one on for size. But being the sickly sweet, optimistic, Pollyanna that I am, I’m going to miss the year soon to be known as “last”. Because in a lot of ways (at least for me) it was a really great one!
I came into ’07 with a healthy family, and I’m leaving it the same way. After that, everything else is small potatoes. While I’m no skinnier than I was a year ago, I’m no fatter! Less hair, yes, more wrinkly, sure, but no fatter! My wife still puts up with my bad jokes, and occasionally even laughs- I’m really not sure if she’s laughing at my jokes or my progressively balding wrinkling face- but hey, a laugh is a laugh!
None of my hometown sports teams did very well this year (I’m a diehard, loser, Philly fan) but I had the honor of coaching a great bunch of kids in flag football. And, I can still drag my middle aged butt up and down a basketball court two or three times a week. It ain’t pretty, but I can still do it.
The slow real estate market meant I was able to spend more time with my kids-always a good thing! I learned that a six year old boy never tires out, unless it’s time to do chores. I also learned that the definitions for “preteen girl” and “drama” are interchangeable.
My writing improved last year as well. Maybe not my creative ability, but certainly my grammar and sentence structure…well at least my grammar. I even had a reader patiently take the time to teach me how to properly conjugate the word “unequivocal”, while at a Christmas party last week (Thanks Sara!) Of course, I did have to go home and look up the word “conjugate”. Actually, Sara was quite complimentary of my work, and she’s just one of many who have come up to me and said nice things. That’s really made it a great year!
I love this community! And as In & Out extends its circulation all the way down to Happy Valley, I’ve gotten a chance to meet more and more really nice people. In a relatively short time, this year will be a distant memory, and I know that most of it will make me smile when I think back on it. But that’s just me, the sickly sweet, optimistic, Pollyanna with the thinning hair and wrinkles.
Dirty Sock Syndrome
I can’t think of many things that smell worse than a wet, dirty sock, Ok, maybe I can. Let’s see-a day-old diaper, the rat that died under the refrigerator, my aunt Mamie on a humid summer day… Anyway, a wet, dirty sock is pretty bad. And it’s worse if it’s being wafted through the duct system of your home, every time you run your air conditioning or heat. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce you to “Dirty Socks Syndrome”, hereafter referred to as DSS, to save me the time of typing it again.. All of a sudden, I've been getting a rash of emails from readers reporting that they have a stinky HVAC (heating, ventilation, and air conditioning) system. DSS might just be the culprit!
I was surprised when I recently discovered the phenomenon of DSS. After eliminating several of my own theories, I called Eric Nichols at Daisy Mountain AC, and he pointed me in the right direction. Just when I thought I knew everything, up pops yet another problem that requires me to do yet more reading and research! This research led me to the Residential Duct Systems Manual “D”, brought to you by your good friends at the Air Conditioning Contractors Association of America. (Actually, Eric faxed me the info but you don't have to know that) According to what I read, there isn't really a clear consensus on what causes this phenomenon. Some researchers contend that it is the result of biological contaminants that get sucked through your HVAC system. These microorganisms stick to the evaporator coil. Now here’s where things get a little sketchy. Many researchers say that DSS only occurs with electric heat! The problem with that is that the people writing me all have gas heat, AND were experiencing the stinkies in the summer, when the air conditioning was being used. So now I have to add my own wild and unconfirmed speculation. So here goes:
If your evaporator coil (you have at least one in your attic, trust me) gets dirty, then these microorganisms can gain a foothold. These guys already exist in the air and unless you have a better than average filtration system, it's just a matter of time before they coat the coil. Leaky duct work and infrequent filter changes will accelerate the contamination process. During monsoon season, we get a lot of humidity. The moisture works as plant food for these microorganisms. The nice warm environment that a summer attic provides, serves as a Petri dish. The only thing left is for you to turn on the AC. Now that nasty, stinky, mess gets wafted throughout your home. It's kind of like taking a teenager's dirty laundry hamper and attaching a blow dryer!
So, what do you do? The first thing is to have an HVAC professional come out and check it out. Do your due diligence so you don't get a fly-by-nighter trying to sell you a bunch of unnecessary add ons. A good evaporator coil cleaning should do the trick. If the guy recommends duct cleaning, get at least one other unbiased opinion. If the stink tends to come back, you might have leaky ducting. I really want to stress the importance of using a good company. If not, you could get taken to the cleaners!
A long term option might be a device that employs a broad spectrum high intensity UV light to kill the microorganisms. UV light has long been used in the food, air, and water industries as a method of killing nasty germs and bacteria. These guys can cost $700 or more, so (for the third time!) do your homework! And before you go and spend a bunch of money, make sure it's not something that crawled under the fridge!
I was surprised when I recently discovered the phenomenon of DSS. After eliminating several of my own theories, I called Eric Nichols at Daisy Mountain AC, and he pointed me in the right direction. Just when I thought I knew everything, up pops yet another problem that requires me to do yet more reading and research! This research led me to the Residential Duct Systems Manual “D”, brought to you by your good friends at the Air Conditioning Contractors Association of America. (Actually, Eric faxed me the info but you don't have to know that) According to what I read, there isn't really a clear consensus on what causes this phenomenon. Some researchers contend that it is the result of biological contaminants that get sucked through your HVAC system. These microorganisms stick to the evaporator coil. Now here’s where things get a little sketchy. Many researchers say that DSS only occurs with electric heat! The problem with that is that the people writing me all have gas heat, AND were experiencing the stinkies in the summer, when the air conditioning was being used. So now I have to add my own wild and unconfirmed speculation. So here goes:
If your evaporator coil (you have at least one in your attic, trust me) gets dirty, then these microorganisms can gain a foothold. These guys already exist in the air and unless you have a better than average filtration system, it's just a matter of time before they coat the coil. Leaky duct work and infrequent filter changes will accelerate the contamination process. During monsoon season, we get a lot of humidity. The moisture works as plant food for these microorganisms. The nice warm environment that a summer attic provides, serves as a Petri dish. The only thing left is for you to turn on the AC. Now that nasty, stinky, mess gets wafted throughout your home. It's kind of like taking a teenager's dirty laundry hamper and attaching a blow dryer!
So, what do you do? The first thing is to have an HVAC professional come out and check it out. Do your due diligence so you don't get a fly-by-nighter trying to sell you a bunch of unnecessary add ons. A good evaporator coil cleaning should do the trick. If the guy recommends duct cleaning, get at least one other unbiased opinion. If the stink tends to come back, you might have leaky ducting. I really want to stress the importance of using a good company. If not, you could get taken to the cleaners!
A long term option might be a device that employs a broad spectrum high intensity UV light to kill the microorganisms. UV light has long been used in the food, air, and water industries as a method of killing nasty germs and bacteria. These guys can cost $700 or more, so (for the third time!) do your homework! And before you go and spend a bunch of money, make sure it's not something that crawled under the fridge!
Santa V. The HOA
Dear Chris,
I really enjoy your column. I always learn something and get a chuckle at the same time. In fact, I read it to the elves during break time- it really helps to ease the tension that comes with 22 hour workdays. Hopefully you can help me with my problem.
As you can probably imagine, Rudolph has gotten quite full of himself over the years. When I rescued him from the Island of Misfits, he was just a shy yearling with chronic nasal congestion. Now, I’m sad to say, Rudolph has gone “Hollywood” and is demanding his own private stable. The problem is that I’m not sure the North Pole CC&R’s will allow it! I’ve already gotten “nastygrams” for leaving my Christmas lights up too long, and for violating the pooper scooper ordinance. We had to shut down Mrs. Claus’s cookie baking business when our neighbor, Old Man Winter, reported us to the health department.
Any advice or direction would be greatly appreciated.
Kristopher Nicholas Kringle (aka Santa)
Dear Santa,
Thank you for taking the time to write. While I’m not familiar with the CC&R’s where you live, my guess is you’ve got a snowball’s chance in… well, you get the idea.
To be perfectly frank, you don’t sound like the kind of guy who should live in an HOA type community. Did you read the CC&R’s BEFORE you bought there? You’ve already ticked off one neighbor; it’s just a matter of time before the Ice Queen comes down on you as well. I can only imagine what it would be like to live downwind of eight reindeer- tiny or not! Do you have enough off-street sleigh parking for the elves? I’m guessing no. And 22 hours a day of hammering, sawing, and Blitzen knows what else? Dude, you’re the misfit!
Regarding your stable building question, let’s do some simple math here. The Rudolph movie came out in 1964, which means your” problem child” is at least 43 years old. Don’t you think it’s time he got a place of his own? Cut the cord, man, cut the cord! I’ve read in the tabloids that all he does is sit around with his childhood friend Hermey, drinking cider and playing Xbox. You’re way too easy on him, Santa. As an aside, Hermey really should have pursued that career in dentistry- candy canes have NOT been kind to his smile!
Sorry if I’m coming down a bit hard on you Santa, but it sounds to me like you need a little tough love and piping hot cup of reality check! Your story is eerily familiar to the Easter Bunny v. Sun City- Briar Patch case a few years back. E.B. knew that he couldn’t let his 4,327 children live in an age restricted community but he did it anyway. Have you noticed that the baskets have been smaller the last few years? Attorneys aren’t cheap, Mr. Kringle. You need to make some changes quick or you could be jingling all the way to the poor house!
Let me suggest selling the home you have, and picking up some acreage in the Yukon. The Abominable Snowman is a Realtor® up there- use my name and he’ll take good care of you. Sure, you’ll take a hit because of current market conditions, but it’s all relative. This way you can start fresh and do things right. Mrs. Claus can re-launch her cookie business, Rudolph and his buddies will have room to romp, and you might find the isolation quite relaxing.
Good luck Santa, please see my attached wish list. Oh, and if you could, try and park the reindeer in the driveway this year. I’m not saying it was you, but we just happened to find some cracked roof tiles right after last year’s visit.
I really enjoy your column. I always learn something and get a chuckle at the same time. In fact, I read it to the elves during break time- it really helps to ease the tension that comes with 22 hour workdays. Hopefully you can help me with my problem.
As you can probably imagine, Rudolph has gotten quite full of himself over the years. When I rescued him from the Island of Misfits, he was just a shy yearling with chronic nasal congestion. Now, I’m sad to say, Rudolph has gone “Hollywood” and is demanding his own private stable. The problem is that I’m not sure the North Pole CC&R’s will allow it! I’ve already gotten “nastygrams” for leaving my Christmas lights up too long, and for violating the pooper scooper ordinance. We had to shut down Mrs. Claus’s cookie baking business when our neighbor, Old Man Winter, reported us to the health department.
Any advice or direction would be greatly appreciated.
Kristopher Nicholas Kringle (aka Santa)
Dear Santa,
Thank you for taking the time to write. While I’m not familiar with the CC&R’s where you live, my guess is you’ve got a snowball’s chance in… well, you get the idea.
To be perfectly frank, you don’t sound like the kind of guy who should live in an HOA type community. Did you read the CC&R’s BEFORE you bought there? You’ve already ticked off one neighbor; it’s just a matter of time before the Ice Queen comes down on you as well. I can only imagine what it would be like to live downwind of eight reindeer- tiny or not! Do you have enough off-street sleigh parking for the elves? I’m guessing no. And 22 hours a day of hammering, sawing, and Blitzen knows what else? Dude, you’re the misfit!
Regarding your stable building question, let’s do some simple math here. The Rudolph movie came out in 1964, which means your” problem child” is at least 43 years old. Don’t you think it’s time he got a place of his own? Cut the cord, man, cut the cord! I’ve read in the tabloids that all he does is sit around with his childhood friend Hermey, drinking cider and playing Xbox. You’re way too easy on him, Santa. As an aside, Hermey really should have pursued that career in dentistry- candy canes have NOT been kind to his smile!
Sorry if I’m coming down a bit hard on you Santa, but it sounds to me like you need a little tough love and piping hot cup of reality check! Your story is eerily familiar to the Easter Bunny v. Sun City- Briar Patch case a few years back. E.B. knew that he couldn’t let his 4,327 children live in an age restricted community but he did it anyway. Have you noticed that the baskets have been smaller the last few years? Attorneys aren’t cheap, Mr. Kringle. You need to make some changes quick or you could be jingling all the way to the poor house!
Let me suggest selling the home you have, and picking up some acreage in the Yukon. The Abominable Snowman is a Realtor® up there- use my name and he’ll take good care of you. Sure, you’ll take a hit because of current market conditions, but it’s all relative. This way you can start fresh and do things right. Mrs. Claus can re-launch her cookie business, Rudolph and his buddies will have room to romp, and you might find the isolation quite relaxing.
Good luck Santa, please see my attached wish list. Oh, and if you could, try and park the reindeer in the driveway this year. I’m not saying it was you, but we just happened to find some cracked roof tiles right after last year’s visit.
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